That’s What She (Should Have) Said…

After the seriousness of my last post, I must lighten things up…

Clearly, I am no stranger to having perfect strangers say really strange things to me. As a pregnant woman, I heard my fair share of odd comments. Do I need to remind you of the woman who questioned whether I really knew the due date of my baby? Even not pregnant people managed to say dumb shit. Remember the woman who suggested she wanted to stuff me like a taxidermied antelope and display me on her bed? So it is no surprise that as a new mother, again, people feel compelled to tell or ask me things that deserve the comments I reserve only for my internal dialogue. I’m a relatively polite person so I wouldn’t actually say these things to people, although sometimes I wish I would. Below you will find a sprinkling of the things people have recently said to me and the responses I wish I would have uttered.

  • As I loaded my trunk with groceries, my once perfectly happy baby started screaming; not completely uncommon for a newborn to do, right? A woman passes me by, stops and says, “Sounds really upset. Do you think he’s hungry?” What I should have said: “Probably. I haven’t fed him since yesterday.”
  • A woman, whom I had just met asked to hold my little Prince. While holding him he began to cry. She asked if he was hungry and I told her most likely not as I had just fed him. She asked if he could be tired and I said that it was likely since this was typically his nap time. She asked, with a slight ‘what-is-wrong-with-your-baby-tone’, “Does he usually fight his sleep?” What I should have said: “No. He’s fighting the fact that some strange woman is holding him you dumb bat.”
  • While browsing baby items a woman started talking to me about the Diaper Genie. By the meaningless praise she was giving and fondly pointing out how she didn’t have such a divine creation when her babies were small, she undoubtedly loved this product. “I don’t use one.” I said with a smile. As though to follow me down the aisle she took what felt like seventeen minutes to tell me of all the great features. (All of which I don’t care about since I see no real use for this product) I smiled and nodded to at least acknowledge that I heard her and tried to politely loose this woman. What I should have said: “What are you, a f*@king hoarder? Just throw the thing in the garbage!”

Happy Mothering!


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