Holidays Got You Down?

Posted in Family, Holidays, Humor, Life by

Ho, ho, oh no they didn’t!

Don’t let the holidays stress you out. For starters, it’s temporary. The holidays don’t last forever…you can do this! Second, if you keep in mind a few simple things, I promise you it will be easier than you ever thought possible. To help you improve your holiday cheer, check out my latest contribution to MomCave TV! You can also read the full text below. Cheers, bitches!

5 Things to Remember When Trying to Survive the Holidays

The holidays can be hard for so many of us. It’s as though all of the dysfunction ever known to man emerges on one day. The pressures can be overwhelming, too. I remember the first time I had to bring a dozen hard-boiled eggs to a holiday event at my in-law’s and I swear (at the time) it was the most stress-inducing event I had ever engaged in. (So many eggs were lost that day. ) But today is a different story! Over the years I have gained enough wisdom to help me remember a few key things for the holiday season; making it all a much more bearable experience. A good sense of humor and strong cocktails help, too.

Everyone is Self-Absorbed

In the summer 2016 I was very abruptly diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Cancer is rarely funny except when I have it, as I strive to focus on the funny and absurd no matter what. The first time I saw my extended family after surgery and radiation treatment was at Thanksgiving and do you know that not one single person asked me how I was doing? I know what you’re thinking so I’ll clarify: The house was filled with aunts, uncles, cousins, and cousins’ children and not one single person asked me if I was going to live or die. Not one. The hard truth is, most people are far too absorbed in their own lives to really notice what’s happening to those around them.

Knowing this is very helpful for the holidays. Say, for example, if you are put in charge of the appetizers this year, fear not! The honest truth is, no one is going to notice if your crust is slightly under cooked. Relax and remember what happened to me on Thanksgiving. Don’t stress because no one is paying attention anyway!

Tip: Enjoy the fact that no one is really interested in your green bean casserole or what your kids are wearing. If you need a little help, pair it with a cranberry infused champagne sangria. Because nothing goes better with this realization than obnoxiously self-absorbed cranberries.

Lower Your Expectations

Expectations are always what get us in trouble during the holidays. In the south we hope for a white Christmas but ultimately end up with humidity and mosquitoes and we are generally let down. Remember when I expected people to notice my fresh surgery scars and ask me how I was feeling? Expectations are rarely met. The best way to handle the holidays is to lower your expectations. Don’t expect the proposal. Don’t expect the new car surprise. Don’t expect ongoing joy and laughter. Don’t expect your kids to be gleefully happy about their presents.

Before entering any holiday function, picture your ideal family experience. Now lower your expectations…a little lower…slightly less…down one more notch…there. You are set. With the bar set that low, you cannot be disappointed. In fact, anything good that happens above that bar is a true holiday miracle, and that, my friend is something to revel in.

Tip: Enjoy this new level of lowered holiday expectations with a glass of boxed wine. Because nothing says lowered expectations like wine in a cardboard box.

Smile and Nod

I’m not sure what it is about the holidays that make people engage in the worst kinds of small talk. I can only surmise that when people are crowded together in someone’s tiny kitchen they will do anything to avoid awkward silences. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather an awkward silence any day over having to listen to Uncle Joe go on about his experience at the deli counter. (No, I really can’t believe she gave you more ham then what you paid for.) Worse yet is the cousin who goes on and on about how fantastic life is in radio sales. Or the in-law who loves to brag about her perfect children and lists the things they would never, ever do.

Tip: Resist the urge to box that obnoxious braggart in the pie hole with a small shot of whisky. Hide it in a red solo cup and nurse it throughout the day.

Stop Apologizing

You are doing a damn good job. Even on our worst days, if we simply show up, that’s a success. Don’t let other peoples’ judgement get in the way of a happy holiday for you. Apologize for nothing. If Aunt Jackie thinks the kids are too loud, that’s her problem. Smile and be proud of your socially outgoing children. If your sister-in-law thinks your sweet potato soufflé is too dry, smile and remind her that’s how it’s served in France. (It’s totally okay to roll your eyes when she walks away.)

Tip: Resist the urge to apologize and instead smile and nod. If you need more than that,  sip on a Pinot Noir.

Stop Comparing

Comparison is the thief of joy. Repeat after me: Comparison is the thief of joy. Our joy is a precious resource and should not be given away because of someone else. My Christmas tree will never look amazing. I may never be able to make sugar cookies that don’t spread out into unrecognizable globs of dough. My hard boiled eggs may never be evenly peeled. As long as we are making memories as a family, memories that my children enjoy, how I stack up against other people no longer matters. AT ALL.  I refuse to give up my joy because someone else had the time and talent to create perfect little snowmen out of unmatched socks.

Tip: Stay joyful about what you create, because no matter what, it’s pretty damn amazing. If you need some help, nothing bring out pure joy like boozy eggnog.

Lastly, remember that the holidays aren’t forever. This too shall pass. Don’t end up looking and feeling like my son’s panicked turkey. Cheers! xoxoIMG_8896

MomCave TV!!

Posted in Blog, Humor, Parenting by

I am really excited to have been selected to be a contributor for MomCave! My first piece as a contributor can be found here. You can also read the full text below! If you don’t already, be sure to follow them on Facebook…Instagram…Twitter !!

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I may be a relatively well-seasoned mother of two, but I am still a very flawed human. Motherhood can be overwhelming and sometimes that stress can bring out my absolute worst qualities. I try to embrace this, and admit the un-admittable, because, the truth is, we are all in this together. If I ever want to celebrate our best days, I have to laugh at the worst (and I cross my fingers that you are laughing, too).

Top 5 Times I Threw Shade at My Kids

5. Laundry Lessons

I’m a relatively simple women with a pretty uncomplicated desire for a few basic things in life. I don’t ask for much and make no apologies for reminding my children of this fact often. Despite my easy-going nature, I sometimes have to host hands-on demonstrations to show them the proper way to do things, such as opening a cereal box, replacing the toilet paper roll, or turning clothes right side out before they are thrown into the hamper. And yet, to my great dismay, it’s like they never even looked at the power point slides.

I quickly figured out that there’s only one way to get their attention. A few weeks ago I decided to stop undoing the dirty socks and wash those little balls of cotton as-is. I stifled my maniacal giggles and threw a shady glance their way when I heard the complaints of damp socks on a Monday morning.

4. Trick-or-Definitely-Not-Treating

One year in the not too distant past, my kids complained about the hot-dog mummies I made for dinner before trick-or-treating so I logically declared Halloween was cancelled.

3. Pandemonium

When my daughter was young I traveled for work and in an attempt to make sure she didn’t forget me, I called several times a day and had a video chat each night. She certainly didn’t forget me. In fact, I think she had a hard time forgetting the fact that I left her in the first place.

I had such unrealistically high expectations for the day I arrived home. My eyes filled with tears when I saw my husband and precious baby waiting for me at the airport. I was so excited to be home and reunite with my child that I didn’t immediately notice the icy reception.

I was a relatively new mother so I took it personally. Very personally. She didn’t want to sit by me and she definitely didn’t want to snuggle with me. She didn’t want me to bathe her and she was totally uninterested in the gifts I brought home for her. I may have been older but I wasn’t about to act that way. Two can play this game. She didn’t want me to bathe her so I left the bathroom. She didn’t want to sit with me so I got up to unpack my bags. She wasn’t interested in the stuffed panda bear and socks I excitedly brought home, well, the socks happen to fit me, too.

It’s hard to tell which one is the two-year-old, I know. If I recall, the panda bear was actually thrown at me. She threw the bear, so I threw shade. It was the only logical response. I wore the panda socks for the rest of the evening.

2. Let It Spread.

Please take note: Molluscum Contagiosum is a royal pain in the parenting ass. Parents, I beg you, if your child has this condition, do not let your child swim, bathe, share a donut, or even talk on the phone with anyone, not a single other human being until the condition is eradicated. It is so highly contagious and a generally messy ordeal.

Both of my kids had it and it’s the skin infection version of herding cats. You treat one area, then a new one pops up. You think you have it contained then the universe clearly tells you that you are managing a hopeless, helpless situation.

I had to treat one of the bumps and she didn’t want me to touch it. I was over her fear and worry about the damn thing and I just wanted to get the medicine and be done with it. It was late. I had reached my limit. We had done this a zillion times before. At her last tear-filled sob that she was afraid it might hurt (which it wouldn’t), I blurted out, “Well fine, then. Let them spread all over your little body.”

1. Let Them Eat Cake.

Let me start by creating a visual for you:

I’m wearing a set of flannel, black and white toile pajamas (with pink trim), collar up of course. My short hair is pushed back with one of my daughter’s pink, yellow, and green floral stretchy headbands so most of it is sticking straight up. I have a black spatula in my right hand. My left, if I remember correctly is waiving wildly in the air.

“Fine, then don’t eat. Go hungry! Better yet, go right into the kitchen and help yourself to whatever your little heart desires. Have cookies! Have Doritos for breakfast! Go right ahead; I truly don’t care anymore.”

My parenting error? I made pancakes from scratch. I found this delish recipe that consisted of whole wheat flour, oats, honey, and buttermilk. Yes, that’s right, I made my own fucking buttermilk. They were crusty golden brown and as delicious as expected.

I have never heard so much unfounded complaining in my life. I was informed that they looked too lumpy, they felt funny when picked up with the fork, and yes, there was a concern that they weren’t cooked long enough. I thought I would roll my eyeballs right out of my head. Cue the wildly waving spatula.

Yes indeed, the highlights of my finer moments of motherhood, right here in black and white for all of you to see. The hard truth is, my kids are actually pretty great. They are easy-going, happy children with whom I generally love being around. So, thinking about that, and reflecting on this list tells me one of two things: either I am a total asshole, or even when kids are really easy, motherhood is still pretty damn hard.

Roller Coasters.

Posted in Growth, Life by

I never let go on a roller coaster. Never. Letting go during a wild ride is far too scary. Instead, I hold on to the safety bar with an almighty grip and sink my feet down hard into the steel floor of the ride. I clench every muscle in my body; an effort to maintain control over my fate.  This firm and steady stance will certainly shield me from any unwanted outcomes if something horrible happened. Won’t it? If I just hold on tight enough, I cannot get hurt. If I dig my feet in deep enough, everything will work out exactly the way I want it to. Just hold on tighter.

Life is funny though, because often things don’t end up happening quite like we plan. Sure, if we dig in hard enough, and beat the obstacle with a steady string of punches, bits and bobs, and pieces of whatever will eventually give in and fall. We all have the ability to force things into happening but when we do, we usually end up with only a sketch outline or skeleton drawing of the beautiful painting we were meant to have in the first place; the picture we probably would have had if we hadn’t dug in so damn hard.

I used mentor a group of girls in my daughter’s class and we worked on a philanthropy project for Thanksgiving. Last year we made blessing bags filled with dry goods, small snacks, candies,  toiletries, and hair accessories. These bags were made for our local homeless shelter for women and children. Before organizing all of their donated items and sorting them for bagging, the girls decorated each of the bags while some of them wrote inspirational and uplifting messages. One, in particular stood out to me. It read, in part, “Just remember there is a plan for you, have faith!”

I understand the human need to feel in control. Feeling a sense of control over our surroundings feels good and I am acutely aware of the times when I feel the need to have it. It’s usually when my surroundings are completely out of my control, like in 2016 when I was very abruptly diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I understand far too well the need to feel in control. There is nothing more unsettling then to not have control over the experiences within your life.

Whenever I feel anxious, I feel the urge to micromanage my family. Whenever I feel a sense of uncertainty, I feel the need to force things. When I’m forced to wait and exercise patience, I can become easily frustrated and end up lashing out at a completely innocent store clerk. Whenever I am faced with a deep desire to control my surroundings, although painstakingly difficult, I remind myself that what I really need to do, is let go. Instead of grabbing on to the safety bar with both hands, I need to let go.

There is a plan for me, a plan for all of us but we have to let go and trust in ourselves. Trust in the plan set for you. Sure it’s scary and feels uncertain, but it’s really the only way to truly live. It’s quite a quandary to be in. On one hand you are faced with a deep human need to hold on to the safety bar with unflappable might and dig your heels down deep into the floor; do whatever it takes to control the universe in your favor. On the other, you need to let that shit go.

It all makes me wonder how in the world can we live in such a preciously unstable existence. It’s a true paradox because on one hand, letting go is an almost unfathomable concept and truly takes my breath away, and yet on the other hand, there is no alternative.

I can only surmise one theory and that is faith. We must trust in something greater and bigger than us.

There is more, way more than we can ever imagine. Instead of forcing life into the flimsy sketch of  things the way I think they should go, I would rather let go and get the full, beautiful, complete picture that I deserve. But it’s certainly not easy. I have to take each step guided by the deepest faith that I am on the right path. I have to trust in myself that if and when I falter, (and I will) I will find a way to right myself. I have to trust that everything happens for a reason and that within my life, there is purpose.

So I’m letting go. I’m not holding on, nor am I digging in. I’m not railing against the forces of change that affect my plans. I’m enjoying the ride no matter what direction it takes me or how long it lasts. Or how scary it is. I have faith in the plan that is set forth for me and I’m doing my best to enjoy the ride. As I throw my hands up in the air while thundering down from the highest drop, I have faith. I have found, that while letting go can make things a bit scarier, it can also makes things way more fun.

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Peanuts.

Posted in Humor, Life, Parenting, Women by

I recently had an article published about my personal struggle between balancing the need to be assertive, with the unnecessary need to always be polite. I blame this on my southern roots. No matter the cause I want my children to have a different internal narrative – if it’s important to you, say what you need say. Period.

I thought about several interactions throughout my life and I easily saw a pattern. Clearly it resonated with other women, too because the article has reached thousands of readers, all with a resounding agreement that we often times put too much focus on being polite, instead of what we need to say. You can read the article here, published by Scary Mommy.

Hhhooowwweeevvveeerrrr, apparently when I’m traveling and tired my worry about politeness goes right out the plane window. Literally. On my completely full return flight home last week from Dallas, I was making my way to the very back of the plane, realizing quickly that there was no more overhead room for my carry-on bag. A flight attendant quickly intercepted me and started looking for space.

One thing about me: I’m a rule follower. People don’t typically make up rules for shits and giggles. There is usually a reason for rules and most likely a good one. Another thing about me: I listen. When people talk on a microphone or speaker-thing, something sort of important sounding, I listen. Most of the time they are not engaging in unimportant talky-talky. Especially when I’m about to board an aircraft, an object I still don’t fully comprehend how it remains in flight, I am going to listen.

The accommodating attendant popped open an overhead bin and found a soft, squishy, rather small backpack. I was one misplaced backpack away from getting my overhead bin space. I had her back; I knew exactly what she was thinking, “Who the ever loving hell put a backpack in the fucking overhead bin?!?” Instead she politely asked around for the owner of the backpack.

There he was. As soon as I laid eyes on grandpa I was ready to take care of business. Ain’t nobody screwing up our system! Not today, gramps, not today. As she was leaning in to talk with him, for some very impolitely assertive reason, I leaned over her shoulder and firmly informed him, “Bags like that are supposed to go under the seat in front of you, not the overhead bin!” I may have even pointed a finger for emphasis.

It was like an alien had taken over my body. I quickly pulled my lips inward as the attendant stared into the soul of my forefathers. She gently directed me to take a seat. Again, I knew exactly what she was thinking, “No peanuts for crazy in the back.”

xoxo

You can also read the complete article here:

As a southern woman, I have found that we are too often taught through our experiences that, above everything else, we should be polite. At some point throughout our life, in often compounding ways, we are shown that under most circumstances, we should always err on the side of politeness. No matter what we want to say, or what we are feeling, the appropriate response is to smile and nod.

Instead of telling the truth, we bless people’s hearts. Instead of saying what we want to say, we hug graciously. My experiences don’t necessarily need to be the same as my daughter’s, which is why I want to raise her to explicitly understand that being polite is not necessarily a requirement in this life.

I was recently at a lunch event with friends and relatives when two women started a conversation with me and then, rather stunningly, said disparaging things about a close family member of mine. Instead of responding the way my inner voice wanted me to, engaging in a verbal street fight, I was polite.

Later that same year my family and I were having lunch at a local restaurant and were seated across from a chatty, elderly couple. I’m certainly accustomed to people interacting with us as a family when we are out with our children, as nothing gets grandpa up and chatting like cute kids. The problem wasn’t anything he said, it was merely his insertion into our family lunch. I was more uncomfortable with his level of comfort, his assumptions that he could barge right into our meal. I didn’t put an end to the conversation or ask for the privacy I wanted. Instead, I was polite.

Having sat there, silent, I hated the way I felt and wanted to share those feelings with my daughter. I wanted her to know that if she was ever in a situation like that, in which someone was making her uncomfortable, she didn’t have to put up with it. I pulled her aside, got eye-to-eye with her, and told her my lie. “I want you to know that it’s always okay for you to not interact in situations like that. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, it would be totally fine for you to say that you are not interested in engaging with him.”

She stared blankly at me, and asked, “Well, why didn’t you?”

Her question has stuck with me for months. Time after time, I have allowed things to be said or done and instead of standing up for myself, I’ve opted to be polite. I have sacrificed my own feelings for someone else’s comfort. The old man’s feelings shouldn’t have been put ahead of my desire for privacy. Those women didn’t deserve to be protected for being hurtful. My feelings within the space of these events matter, and I want my children to feel the same way.

I want my daughter to find the balance that I didn’t necessarily grow up having. I want her to understand the importance of being respectful and polite, but also understand the importance of being brave and saying what she needs to say — even if it’s scary. I don’t want her to sacrifice her own feelings for the comfort of those around her.

So, is it ever okay to ruin the lunch?

As a mother raising a daughter, I have found that in order to combat this pressure to be polite, it’s my responsibility to teach my daughter explicitly and directly that politeness is not a requirement in this life. My words sometimes will not be enough. I have to show her that I am strong enough to do the things I am telling her to do.

So, to all the women out there struggling with this idea that in order to have a happy life, we must be polite; to my dear daughter and all the girls who are growing up with her, I say an emphatic, Yes! It is completely and totally okay to ruin the lunch. Say what you have to say. Even if your voice shakes and it’s really scary, say the words and express your feelings. Take up space in this world without apology, and remember that being polite is not a requirement.

Cry Me a River…

Posted in Family, Life, Women by

I’m not a crier…but that doesn’t mean I’m not an emotional person. I’m not overly sentimental, but that doesn’t mean I’m shallow. Someone recently called me ‘cold,’ and I had the need to write about it…it’s a good thing I did because so far it’s been published by BLUNTMoms and most recently picked up by Sammiches & Psych Meds.

I’m really proud of this piece because I think it speaks to many women; as if there is some unspoken rule that as women and mothers were are supposed to cry all the time or worse, smile more. (Insert major eye roll, here) Well, I for one, am not having any part of that kind of bullshit and neither will my daughter.

xoxo

 

Journeys & Destinations

Posted in General, Growth, Life by

I have been thinking quite a bit lately about journeys and destinations. If we focus too much on the end result, where or what we think we should be, we could easily lose sight of the beauty around us. The opportunity around us. The connections around us.

I was recently asked to give a commencement address to the graduating class of 2018! It was a real honor because it was the school where my son attended and graduated from…his preschool. When I told people about it, the reaction was always excitement, followed by the sentiment of, “Who knows where it will lead!”

Truthfully, I’m not thinking about where it will lead, because this event alone was a huge milestone for me; for everyone involved. This event was scary, fun, and exciting for me. I took a tremendous amount of pride in this event. This event is part of my journey. I’m not looking too far ahead because what’s right here in front of me is pretty spectacular.

In an effort to connect both the graduates (4 and 5 year-olds) and their families, I spoke about the top 3 three things that kids this age generally do, and what, as adults, we can learn from them. The top three things are:

  1. Do Something Scary
  2. Ask a Lot of Questions
  3. Be YOU

Thankfully, due to a minor technical difficulty, the video starts when I am telling the story of when I did something really scary – when I auditioned for Listen To Your Mother. It’s a good thing because for the first 2 minutes I was nervous and fumbled over my words. Just take my word for it…you’re seeing the better half!

I am reminding myself each day to enjoy every step for what it is and not worry so much about the final destination. I’ll get there – wherever and whatever I’m supposed to be – I have faith in that. So, until then, I will continue to challenge myself by doing something scary, I’ll keep asking a ton of questions, and I’ll stand firm in being my best self, and enjoy each step in this beautiful journey of life.

XOXO

Resiliency.

Posted in Growth, Life by

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This journey as a writer has been nothing short of fascinating. I have learned so much about the business, the process, and what it takes to be successful. I’ve learned even more about myself and what I am I made of.  Sure, submitting a piece and never hearing a response can be depressing; knowing that it either wasn’t good enough, wasn’t a good fit, the list goes on. But getting a piece accepted and then having it torn apart by the public is a totally different story.

Last week I had a piece published by Scary Mommy that I was pretty proud of. To even get accepted by Scary Mommy is a huge deal – their Facebook page alone garners over 3 million followers. Exposure like that is a new writer’s dream come true! I’ve published several things for them and I am honestly humbled every time they email me saying “book it.” It truly never gets old!

But that’s just it – exposure. You have to be willing to take on that level of exposure – your words in front of an audience of over 3 million people. In the past, the exposure was validating, as comment after comment people connected to my words and thanked me for having the courage to say them. In some cases, people contacted me personally to discuss the topic further or ask for advice. (PSA: I don’t make any habit of giving strangers advice! I’m happy to listen, though) Not this time. This time was different; probably the first time I’ve been filleted so publicly.

I saw there were over 70 comments after the article was published so I wanted to see what people were saying. “Stop reading the comments.” My husband would say from over my shoulder. But I couldn’t stop. Once I saw how bad they were, it was like I couldn’t walk away – I was watching a train wreck happen before my eyes and I was dead center.

I think most people missed the point of the article. I think some throw around mean comments because they think they can. Hiding behind a keyboard escalate people’s bravado. Most don’t realize the process of writing and submitting. Either way, the personal attacks hurt. I would be a big fat liar if I said they didn’t. But, (there’s always a but) they won’t stop me; in some ways it’s a motivator. I also find this experience to be a great lesson in life for my kids.

They are both still pretty young so some of this (social media shaming) will be over their heads. They aren’t, however, too young to understand what it feels like for someone to say mean things about them. They know how it feels when someone doesn’t like them or something about them.

So the lesson for them is that it happens to Mommy, too. I had a lot (the comment count continues to rise) of bad things said about me and my work AND I LIVED THROUGH IT. I took the hits and survived. I realized that not everyone is going to like me – I may be too much or not enough for some people – and that’s ok. The world will not always think our work is terrific. When we put ourselves out there, not all responses will be what we hope for, but that doesn’t mean we stop doing it. Not all feedback will be positive. They need to know that people can and will say all sorts of things about me but it’s my own feelings that matter. 

Lastly, it’s also a great lesson to learn that sometimes, people are just simply assholes.

Resilience matters…take the hits and keep on moving along.

xoxo