I Hope You are Referring to my Pupils….

So as you know, I seem to have these experiences where people feel compelled to say the strangest things to me. I like to file these stories under “shit people tell me.”

I know you have heard it all regarding the way pregnant women carry their babies. There is the “she’s all baby” comment, the “she’s carrying like a basketball” statement, and of course the “carrying like it’s a boy/girl” opinion. For better or for worse, most of the statements above apply to me. There is little I can do to change the way I am carrying this baby. He is truly a little basketball of love that sticks out, albeit far out, from my waist. A perfectly round little bundle of heartburn, I mean joy.

Despite the cuteness and roundness of my little prince, people often comment on the size. Again, I’m only 5’4 so there aren’t many places for him to go – straight out is the best option apparently. So almost daily people ask me when I’m due and when I tell them the standard response consists of eyes widening, jaws dropping, head shaking….you get the picture.

Imagine I am at a store that sells things mainly related to babies and pregnancy. I’m there to buy an item that I need assistance getting down from the self. I ask for the man to put it in the cart but instead he puts it under the cart leaving me unable to get it out and into my trunk. He says there will be help available for me once I check out. Fine. Whatever works. I check out and ask for assistance and this lovely lady says she will be happy to help me out. “Of course I can help. You don’t need to pick up that box, lord knows your water would break right here in the parking lot!” I laugh with her. You can fill in her next question, I’m sure. “So when are you due?” I tell her my due date, “The end of next month.”

As you can imagine, first her eyes widened and then her mouth opened. She looked at me and asked, “Are you sure?” I stopped and looked at her. Are you sure. Hmmm. Seriously? Do you really think that I’m not certain as to when I am expected to deliver my own baby? Do I look like one of those women who “didn’t know they were pregnant?” Is she expecting me to blurt out something like, “I have no idea when this here thing is gonna pop out. You know I didn’t even know I was pregnant until just a few days ago! Yeah, that’s right I just thought I was puttin on all kids of weird fat right here int he shape of a ball. Wuduya know!”

Okay well, not in this lifetime. I could hardly believe I had to assure this woman, that yes, in fact, I am sure of my due date! You know, it was clear to me that she didn’t believe me. Why you ask? Because she followed up with this lovely question: “Well are you dilated yet?” I took a moment to mull this over in my brain. Surely you are referring to my pupils. This individual is asking me if I have begun to dilate. Why, I have to ask, do we assume that pregnant women no longer have the right to or no longer desire the right to even the smallest segment of privacy.

I don’t even know how to answer this question. “Everything is right on track!” I say happily with a smile. I’m hopeful that this strange conversation would be ending right that minute so I try to close my trunk and begin to thank her but then she puts her hand up on the trunk lid and kind of leans into my car. It was if she was getting comfortable – letting me know that our little friendly chat in the parking lot was just getting started. Yay for me.

She then points to my belly and indicates to me that I am having a girl. “You’re having a girl, right?” shaking her head. Okay, really? I appreciate that this conversation is taking up her time away from sitting behind the customer service desk but really? What are we going to do here, run over to Woman’s Hospital to confirm the sex of my baby for her? Nothing good will come from this! “No, actually we are having a boy!” again, happily with a smile. Would anyone like to take a guess as to how she responded? You guessed it! “Are you sure?” I wanted to smile and say, “Yes I’m sure. I have two 3D close-up images of my son’s lovely penis, would it make your life better to see them?” Instead I again just smiled and politely  said, “Yes I’m sure. In fact, the ultra sound tech gasped when she saw how big his penis was.”  Of course I said it with a smile!

Happy Mothering!

Melanie

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