My Dearest Sweet Prince,
As I continue at this job of mothering, I will, as you know, do things to you that are odd, feel a bit strange, and that you flatly dislike. I know this by the constant slapping at my hands, fierce turning of your head, and squirming of your body. The grunting and crying of “dada dada dada” is an indication, as well. Despite your disdain for my efforts at keeping you healthy, I must continue. So this letter is intended to provide a blanket apology for all things that I do that irritate the sheer life out of you. For instance:
- I am terribly sorry that I fool you into thinking that we are going to play a sweet game of peak-a-boo when actually I instill cold eye drops into your beautiful, unsuspecting blue eyes. I know it’s a shock by your angry response, although I am not sure if you are more shocked by the actual drop or by the disbelief of your mother’s betrayal. There is no alternative so all I can say is that I am sorry. It’s also not my fault that you fall for it each and every time.
- I am terribly sorry that on the occasion that you have a stuffy or runny nose I have to spray saline drops into your nose. I can tell by your reaction that it must feel as though you are being water boarded. I can’t imagine that you would rather try to sleep with a nose full of snot so I am erring on the side of precaution and doing what I think is best. Besides, we’ve done this enough that I would think by now you know you aren’t really going to die.
- I am terribly sorry that when I feed you and I scrape your mouth with a spoon to gather lingering food, it is within the realm of possibility that I might scoop up some lingering snot, which means you may inadvertently eat it. You don’t seem to mind at all, in fact, I’m the only one slightly grossed out. I just thought that in the event at, say, 16 you find this out you might be a little upset by it so I am covering all bases and letting you know that I never intend to make my son eat his own snot. It’s just that feeding times can be messy and, well, I just want to be sure you are fed.
- I am terribly sorry that, again, when you are congested, after I water board you, I then use a hospital grade bulb syringe to suck out any and all fluid and mucus that is lingering throughout your nasal cavity. Based on your swatting, squirming, and grunting, I can only assume that it feels as though I am sucking out your brains. I assure you that this is not the case. Really, the syringe isn’t that powerful.
So as you can see, I am only doing these things because I have to. I love you dearly and would never want to do anything to intentionally hurt you. As the mother, though, I have to do some of these bizarre things even though you clearly don’t like them. So to keep us moving in this positive direction, I am making a sincere, blanketed apology for all things that I do that you don’t like. But until you can master the art of blowing your own nose, we are kind of in this together. So let’s make the best of it! And please, I ask you, try not to panic quite so much when I water board you. Like I said, you know it always ends on a positive note so calm down with the squirming or I might actually have to use those bondage techniques you hear about on the news. Let’s not go there…I Love you so much!